Nine - Thee

Ah, distant lover, how goes life with thee

I here commend these words in the hope

In the

Hope

That somehow you might hear

Might hear

Me here

So far away

From

Thee

I wear a wolf’s coat to keep me

Warm

Keep me

Safe

Keep the pack from smelling the sweet odour of my

Humanity

And tearing me into

Tiny

Red

Pieces

Of meat

For that is all there is here, in this place, this

Empty distant desolate place

Only the cold

And the pack

And tiny pieces of red red meat

It feels like years since last I saw thee

But I know it is not, not long, not long

Ago

But distant

So distant to the blue and the green and the calm sweet place

In your arms

Heart

Life

Warmth

No warmth is there here

But I wear a wolf’s coat now and it is

Bearable

I killed it myself

The creature whose coat this was

Whose skin I wear

Killed it myself, with a sharp sharp rock, with luck and violence and

A will to survive

To one day make it back

Back

Down that long road back

To thee

When the moons rise in the shimmering sky of purple I wonder

How I came to be

Not here

Not just here

But anywhere

I wonder how I came to BE

And if I really did

If I really am

And if I am not

Are you?

Are you out there?

Back there?

Were you ever and will you be?

Was I ever really with thee?

The remains of my craft are smashed and broken

The stars cannot guide me home

I hope and pray

Yes pray

Not prey

That one day, one blue day, green day

Not purple and red

Not cold and dead

I pray

One day

One day

I say

But what was it I prayed?

Perhaps I pray for thee

But I start to forget

Slowly slowly

I start to think less of the other world

And only of my stomach

The hunger of my belly

The need to survive

The pack came to me today

Howling

Two mouths each

I know not how many teeth

Howling for blood

But it was not mine

They saw my coat

And looked upon my eyes

And saw not meat

But teeth

And they snuffled and they howled

And they welcomed me

To run on feet fast and furious

To hunt in the dark

To rip and tear and feast and feed

To survive

I remember a time

Another time

But was there another time?

Surely not

Surely there was only this, only this, only

There wasn’t

Not only

I remember thee, faintly

The shape of a smile

The sound of a laugh

The smell of smooth warm skin

Not to be torn from white bones

Only

To be kissed

Only

To be missed

But now

But now I

Am

Not what I was

I am not one, but

Many

I am a part, one tooth in a mouth

One voice

In the pack

We sleep little and run much

We hunt always, for we are hungry

Always

I feel within myself the need to hunt for other reasons

Half remembered

Half forgotten

A desire

A longing

To find you again

To find my way back

To thee

But first I must feed, must satiate my hunger, must howl with the pack as our jaws

Drip red

Beneath the light of the moons and the

Purple sky

Not blue

Not you

And it is later

Much

And I do not wear the coat that once I did

I do not need the coat

For I have my own, wiry grey hair

All over me

Keeping out the cold

Making me look old

But fierce

And proud

And hungry

And later

An accident

The leader falls from a loose rock and down

And down

And when we find him he howls only once

And then we eat him

Tearing him into tiny pieces

Of red red

Meat

And then I howl and they follow

Follow me

The leader of the pack

But still I cannot lead, not the way I need to go

The way back

To then

But when?

From me

Back to thee

Later and still

How long I know not

I return to the place

Where I fell

I have not been here in such a long time

It is where I came

From

That much I recall

Falling from heaven

From space

From grace

From thee

But surely it was not so

Surely it was a dream

Surely

Surely

Surely it does not matter

I am hungry

And the pack needs to feed

But there, is it not a dream

My dream

That sees the light, the falling light

The star bright

Descending from the heavens

From your arms

Your eyes

Your sighs

And I think

Or think I think

Of lessons old

Of cavemen and icemen and what men

But spacemen

And launch pad

And blast off

And light speed

And starship and spaceship and search ship and rescue ship and

Landing

Finding

Landing

Here

The pack growls, hoarse, harsh, warning

But I motion them to silence

They will listen

So long as their hunger

Holds

And I watch as it falls and lands

Like a silver flower

Like a forgotten hour

Opening like a petal in the warm light of spring

Unfolding steps and feet

Walking upright

And hands reaching outward

And suddenly

I see

Or think I see

Thee

The smile once remembered

The hair soft septembered

The eyes bright with sorrow

Love lost by tomorrow

And the tears start to falling

And I think things appalling but I know and I think

I remember

I remember

But surely it was just a dream

I remember skin

Soft and lovely and arms gently holding and dreams

Sleeping softly

And whispers and whispers

But the moons they are rising

And the pack it is howling

And my belly is rumbling and my eyes

They are clouding

Oh how long I searched

How long I hunted

How far I ran and how hard I tried

To survive, to survive

For thee

For thee

Only to find my way

Back

Back to thee

And are you before me?

And do you abhore me?

Have you come to free me?

Or will you deceive me?

Am I not a dead thing, a cold thing, an old thing?

Well I am a wild thing

And I am a pack thing

And I know what the nights bring

They brim with the hunger the madness the thunder

They tear us asunder and

Urge us to feed

And I howl once only

The howl of the lonely

And the pack surges wildly

And I lead them on blindly

To find thee to find thee

A way back to thee

Soft flesh now torn open

Smooth skin now all broken

White bones in the moonlight

All purple they gleam

And I taste for a moment

The sweet smell of love lost

The price that this has cost

Now my belly not empty

And my feet swiftly running

And my teeth gnashing loudly

And my howl, oh, my howl

My howl tells what I’ve done

So I run through the cold

By the light of the moons

I run free

I run empty

I run away from thee

For there is no way back now

I am of the pack now

Ah, distant lover

How goes life

With

Thee.